So here it is… I haven’t spoken about matters of the heart in a long while but I feel tonight is as good of time as any. Ask yourself this question… “What would I do for love?”. I’m asking myself and my only answer is… well I don’t have one. It just confuses me. When it comes to matters of the heart I tend to stay guarded and stuck in my shell. To me, the worst pain is getting heartbroken.

I can say there are probably a million or more ways that my heart can be broken but there is that “magic number”; 1,000,001, that will absolutely destroy me. That number is what scares me more than anything. It hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m scared of facing that number. That number can be different depending on that person but that thought is scary for any person. I want to love a girl and have her love me back in a way that could only exist in the movies and fairy tales. My naive heart knows it exists but I’m unsure if I can attain it.

I suppose that’s where my problem lies… I’m so scared of this “magic number” that I won’t put my heart on the line. I refuse to. There have been so many times I wanted to just straight up tell the girl that I have feelings for her but I am so afraid of being hurt that I shy away. It’s a big mental block that I don’t know how to climb. I want to kiss a girl and really mean it. I want to say I love you to a girl and really mean it. I just want to make mistakes and realize it later but I can’t because I don’t want to be hurt. WHY…. WHY… WHY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WAY I THINK? WHY AM I ALWAYS FUCKING AFRAID OF BEING HURT?

I am by no means a stereo-typical guy. I do not feel the need to fuel my ego and I do not feel the need to beat my chest to show the world my superiority. It’s all irrelevant. I will admit that I cried when Dumbledore died. I will admit that I cried when Celtic lost the league to Rangers. I am a cry-baby period. Is it “manly”? No… probably not but I can’t help but feel that, if I was a stereo-typical guy I would married right now and maybe even happy. Who knows right? I can only speculate since I don’t fit that “normal” mold.

There are so many talents I am blessed with and a graceful tongue is not one of those traits. Getting tongue tied, awkward conversations, stuttering and general stupidity is what I am known for and that will never change. They say, “the scorpion on your back will always sting you”. You can’t change the way you truly are. I, at least, need to try.

Cowardice is my strongest trait… and matters of the heart will scare and hurt me more than anything that can physically exist in front of me. If I am to totally experience life and love the way it was meant to be then I need to work at not being scared. I need to, for example, ask that girl out for dinner and wear my heart for the world to see. The task is so daunting to be honest… I wish there were signs to make that task much easier…

I think I need to sleep. Too much rum is probably bad for me. I also hate Ninja Gaiden 2.