It’s another video with me and Kate. It’s full of those quirky awkward moments and my random train of thoughts. My camera is a bit messed so when I was editing this, I was missing some of the footage from the camera going crazy. Peace, love and Tennis. Enjoy!

Well, this is a random video where I talk about nothing in particular. I wanted a pumpkin spice latte. If I want, I go and get. I’m pretty sure this video will make absolutely no sense to most of you but I hope you enjoy anyways. Also, sorry that the video is very dark at some points.

Love and Tennis… <3.

I would like to introduce to you my bestfriends. Skyy and Jameson. These to friends I can pretty much say whatever I want to them and not feel a shred of negative judgement or hatred. While I’m not complete intoxicated I would like to take this time and write. Thank you for listening to me… I know that not everyoen is as lucky as I am when it comes to people who will listen. I check my google stats often and I’m always surprised to find that they’re are a lot of people who want to listen to what I have to say. I’m not sure why sometimes though.

I can write a million words but all of them are only hear say. I can honestly admit that I’m not sure what life and love is all about. What is the point really right? I can write with a ton of really big words to describe the feeling but all of it is irrelevant because each and every individual experiences this in their own way. All I can say is don’t be afraid… because life is all about overcoming those fears. Love is about overcoming that fear.

It’s not like you all haven’t noticed that I’m afraid of the unknown. You could be afraid of what could’ve been or what is reality. Truth of the matter is you shouldn’t be. Life will always throw you curve balls and it is up to you to compensate. I can’t be the one to preach these words because I am always full of doubt and fear. That’s where you should learn from me because those emotions will get you nowhere. As they say, life is what you make of it and if you live life thinking about possibilities you aren’t truly living.

I think I know what I am doing all the time when in reality I’m about as clueless as the majority. In fact I’m as cliche as the next person. I seek attention and glory but I will always me missing that piece of the puzzle. At least for the time being. Don’t waste your life away thinking about possibilities, go after what you want… if you fail then fine, go after something else. Don’t let that fear get to you.

I seek love and hopefully I will find it but my fear of actually finding that love is what holds me back. I can be as assertive as the next person but love is still somewhat of a mystery to me. “I LOVE YOU”, “I LOVE YOU”, “I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART”. Describe those words to me please. I feel like I don’t know it’s true meaning. Fuck me if I ever find out but I just want to hear those words said to me again. No more false feelings; emotions that mean something.

That’s enough… before the drink takes it’s toll, I love anyone who’s willing to read what I write. Take a chance and don’t let it scare you.

So here it is… I haven’t spoken about matters of the heart in a long while but I feel tonight is as good of time as any. Ask yourself this question… “What would I do for love?”. I’m asking myself and my only answer is… well I don’t have one. It just confuses me. When it comes to matters of the heart I tend to stay guarded and stuck in my shell. To me, the worst pain is getting heartbroken.

I can say there are probably a million or more ways that my heart can be broken but there is that “magic number”; 1,000,001, that will absolutely destroy me. That number is what scares me more than anything. It hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m scared of facing that number. That number can be different depending on that person but that thought is scary for any person. I want to love a girl and have her love me back in a way that could only exist in the movies and fairy tales. My naive heart knows it exists but I’m unsure if I can attain it.

I suppose that’s where my problem lies… I’m so scared of this “magic number” that I won’t put my heart on the line. I refuse to. There have been so many times I wanted to just straight up tell the girl that I have feelings for her but I am so afraid of being hurt that I shy away. It’s a big mental block that I don’t know how to climb. I want to kiss a girl and really mean it. I want to say I love you to a girl and really mean it. I just want to make mistakes and realize it later but I can’t because I don’t want to be hurt. WHY…. WHY… WHY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WAY I THINK? WHY AM I ALWAYS FUCKING AFRAID OF BEING HURT?

I am by no means a stereo-typical guy. I do not feel the need to fuel my ego and I do not feel the need to beat my chest to show the world my superiority. It’s all irrelevant. I will admit that I cried when Dumbledore died. I will admit that I cried when Celtic lost the league to Rangers. I am a cry-baby period. Is it “manly”? No… probably not but I can’t help but feel that, if I was a stereo-typical guy I would married right now and maybe even happy. Who knows right? I can only speculate since I don’t fit that “normal” mold.

There are so many talents I am blessed with and a graceful tongue is not one of those traits. Getting tongue tied, awkward conversations, stuttering and general stupidity is what I am known for and that will never change. They say, “the scorpion on your back will always sting you”. You can’t change the way you truly are. I, at least, need to try.

Cowardice is my strongest trait… and matters of the heart will scare and hurt me more than anything that can physically exist in front of me. If I am to totally experience life and love the way it was meant to be then I need to work at not being scared. I need to, for example, ask that girl out for dinner and wear my heart for the world to see. The task is so daunting to be honest… I wish there were signs to make that task much easier…

I think I need to sleep. Too much rum is probably bad for me. I also hate Ninja Gaiden 2.

Alright, I know how lame and awkward I am. I can’t help it that’s just how I do gangstahhhhh! If you have never met me in real life and you’re wondering if I am that awkward in person, the answer is a resounding yes! Ok so, here is some of the info for my oldies profile on Duke Nukem:

-3D Realms’ page on Duke Nukem
-Duke Nukem 1 footage

I will post another video again. Sorry Steve Coleman, I already shot this video before I could incorporate your suggestions.

Ah yes… Sunday nights. I don’t tend to do much but I love these days because they are so relaxing. Watching HSM, spinning tunes and just straight up gettin’ down. I will eventually do another “Oldies Profile”. I just have a lot of work to do so finding time to play these old games is a little hard. I have, however, been playing newer games. I went and bought The Sims 3 and I’m still trying to figure out why.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this mini video. One last thing before I go; don’t mix Jack and Sprite. It really sucks!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about personal issues with myself. But I thought I’d share this little tidbit that may or may not surprise you. For a long while last year, I was quite depressed about a lot of things. I was stressed, lonely and I overworked myself like silly. This and a huge amount of other factors caused me to sink into a deep depression that I felt I was not ever going to get out of. I know a lot of you were being too nice to me by not pointing out that I had gained quite a bit of weight over those months (weighed in at 160 pounds again at one point). I tricked myself into thinking I wasn’t gaining weight but in reality I was ballooning really quick and then it snowballed and got my confidence and I wasn’t quite the same energetic PChan anymore. A joke made by a co-worker that would normally roll off of my shoulders I was suddenly taking to heart. Everything was affecting me on a personal level.

The picture above is from July 2008 and it is pretty obvious that I gained weight. I didn’t take many photos during that period because I was rather embarassed with myself. I used to take care of myself but I let the stress of life just slowly eat away at me. I was a shell of the person I once was. Then finally, I snapped out of it. I snapped out of it really hard.

I started going to the gym with my co-workers and my soccer team that I play with on Sundays. They kept me motivated and focused. It was really hard training at first and getting into the routine because your body just wants you to give up. But with the help of my friends I pushed on through and kept going. Now I feel the need to go everyday because I absolutely love the feeling after a good work out… it’s like an addiction.

The most common question asked now is “PChan, have you lost weight?” and of course I will respond with a resounding yes! My co-workers probably haven’t noticed the weight loss much because they see me everyday. I go months without seeing certain people and it is a common point everyone makes and believe me, I’m happy to hear it. So it is now July 2009 and I continue to live a healthy lifestyle by watching what I eat and exercising everyday. I play Soccer 3 times a week (sometimes only 2 depending on weather).

The picture above is the most recent which is taken with one of my closest friends, Jenneh! It’s really funny how she can always notice when something about me changes. So it was no surprise that she commented almost instantly when I went to go pick her up.

Does life still stress me out? Absolutely… But now I know I need to face it straight on rather than sit in a corner curled up into a ball. I won’t let things like girls get me too down because I know eventually I will find the right one… just the waiting part is killing me =P.

Now I will give some of my advice to those who want to change their lifestyle a bit. It is very rough at first… When you start going to the gym your body will just want to quit and you won’t enjoy yourself. I started small; running on the treadmill for 10 mins at 5 mph. I was so badly out of shape I couldn’t even move after that. I didn’t want to do any weight lifting, I just wanted to go home. But I kept going anyways with that clear goal in mind and of course having friends around you can help a lot! I was extremely sore the next morning after a work out but again you just need to push past it. After 2 weeks of constant agony I was beginning to notice how easier it was starting to get. I slowly began increasing the intensity of my work out routines so that now I can run 30 mins at 7 mph. I can also benchpress my own weight (~148lbs) 3 times with ease. So the key to all of this is persevere and take it slowly. Whatever you do, don’t give up it will get easier!

As for dieting… You don’t have to change what kind of foods you eat. You can eat whatever you like honestly but be mindful at your calorie intake. A typical male can eat about 2200 calories (or 2500 I can’t remember exactly) and not lose or gain weight. So if you decide to have McDonalds do a count in calories… Big Mac is 576, medium fries are 360 and a medium coke is 220 (All numbers are taken from McDonald’s nutrition calculator). In total you’re eating 1156 calories. Not bad if you work out and eat a light breakfast and dinner. Check labels on the foods you eat because some foods claim they are healthy when they are actually not. It is a lot of work but you’ll naturally get into the mindset of balancing it all, it’s honestly easy. Eating stuff like steak and veggies is very good on calorie intake and provides healthy proteins to help you rebuild your muscles.

I hope I wasn’t being too self indulgent and I hope you find some of this information useful. I would be more than willing to help anyone who wants to try changing their habits =).

Umm… Yeah. Awkward is all I can say.